ok

kids are good, hubby is good, me?? well, not so sure. I am having a crisis, of not faith but foundation, I still have my to the core belief and trust in God, but no faith and trust left in the place I worship. I fell that God is no longer there. I don't feel Him in the temple room anymore, not even during the wildest and loudest of Kirtanas. I dont feel Him in the people I come in contact with there anymore. All I get is rushed, I don't know, icky feelings when I go to Sunday Feast, like no one cares anymore. The food is tasteless, but fiery hot, the feast is outside in the 100 degree heat and bugs and the worst part? NO FELLOWSHIP!!! Eat and leave, maybe say hi on the way by. If I wanted to deal with impersonalism I would go to a mega Baptist church, lol, not really!
I want things back to the old ways. I want to go into the temple in a sari with my head covered and see all the other women and girls like that, not with their saris slung below their hip bones, and desperately trying to keep them on while dancing. I want to see devotees looking like devotees, I am a major offender of this myself, but at least I do not wear bra showing tank tops , belly shirts and tight pants. I want to go to a class where people do not get pissy when your child asks a question, umm, yes, they are devotees too and trying to learn just as much as you are! I am tired of being dollared to death, pay for Sunday School, pay for this , pay for that. I will pay what I can when I can. I am tired of my requests for service being ignored. I want to do something DAMMIT! I want to get up in the morning and spend my day craving Kalachandji's beautiful face like I used to, thinking about how I can schedule an unexpected visit to HIM. Instead, I find myself wanting to go to the Hindu temple and sit in front of Lord Shiva, who I feel is really understanding me these days. But I dont want to be a Hindu, I want to be a Hare Krishna! I want to go out on Harinama, distribute books and relish closeness with my fellow Vaisnavas as we work toward a common goal, a REAL relationship with the Lord. I am tired of new people, dressing in their tilaka and brand new beads, looking at me like I just arrived, when I have been here for 30 freaking years! In six months they are gone, and a new set of baby devotees look down their noses at me, because they are in the thrill of the new thing they have found, and high on the newness of it. Six moths later they are gone too, I want continuity, I want to go where everyone knows my name, lol. I want to feel GOD IN MY TEMPLE! I am not getting this at my temple anymore. I am aching for this. I have been trying to go to the morning program on my days off, but it is mostly for my kids, who miss their school more than anything else. I know I have to do whatever I can to get them back in for them, but it is really hard for me to work toward this when I feel so removed from the temple myself. Help me Lord Krishna, I am crying out to you for relief in my heart! Please help me become a good devotee, a faithful mother and wife and pure in heart!

checking this out

I want to know if this is going to post to another blog automatically or do I have to link it myself?