Monday, October 25, 2010
are you there God?
I am looking for a new house of worship. I do not like my temple anymore. I do not like the people or the atmosphere. This sucks since I have been going there for 30 years this month. I am saddened that my community failed me when I needed them most. I can go into my closet and worship if I want to, I go to my temple to associate with devotees that have their minds on the same goal as I do, but I cant find any devotees like that at my temple anymore. Everyone is into money...money for this , money for that, you dont have any money?? then you cant take advantage of our association or programs we offer. Doesnt this directly void what Prabhupada was telling us about materialism? I mean I know the temple has bills, but you cannot tell me that 3 kids in school is really going to raise the electric bill. Isnt the fact that there are 3 little minds that need to be developed as devotees more inportant? Dont you know I would pay if I could? But my kids have to suffer because I ran into bad luck with my car, and then my husband almost died. Only one person from the temple even bothered to check on us.... I went to the Salvation Army church, the kids loved it, I was not so impressed, I do not like it when a minister yells, especially when there were only 13 of us in the room. I am going to go back to my roots this coming weekend and go back to the Greek Orthodox church and see if now that the creepiest Father Nick is gone if things are better there. At least I have some people waiting there to welcome me....I just hope God is one of them. I have such a hard time finding the presence of the Lord in these so called houses of worship, I know He isnt at Kalachandji's anymore... He has been chased out by the money grubbers and the false devotees...more to come as I continue my search
Monday, July 5, 2010
ok
kids are good, hubby is good, me?? well, not so sure. I am having a crisis, of not faith but foundation, I still have my to the core belief and trust in God, but no faith and trust left in the place I worship. I fell that God is no longer there. I don't feel Him in the temple room anymore, not even during the wildest and loudest of Kirtanas. I dont feel Him in the people I come in contact with there anymore. All I get is rushed, I don't know, icky feelings when I go to Sunday Feast, like no one cares anymore. The food is tasteless, but fiery hot, the feast is outside in the 100 degree heat and bugs and the worst part? NO FELLOWSHIP!!! Eat and leave, maybe say hi on the way by. If I wanted to deal with impersonalism I would go to a mega Baptist church, lol, not really!
I want things back to the old ways. I want to go into the temple in a sari with my head covered and see all the other women and girls like that, not with their saris slung below their hip bones, and desperately trying to keep them on while dancing. I want to see devotees looking like devotees, I am a major offender of this myself, but at least I do not wear bra showing tank tops , belly shirts and tight pants. I want to go to a class where people do not get pissy when your child asks a question, umm, yes, they are devotees too and trying to learn just as much as you are! I am tired of being dollared to death, pay for Sunday School, pay for this , pay for that. I will pay what I can when I can. I am tired of my requests for service being ignored. I want to do something DAMMIT! I want to get up in the morning and spend my day craving Kalachandji's beautiful face like I used to, thinking about how I can schedule an unexpected visit to HIM. Instead, I find myself wanting to go to the Hindu temple and sit in front of Lord Shiva, who I feel is really understanding me these days. But I dont want to be a Hindu, I want to be a Hare Krishna! I want to go out on Harinama, distribute books and relish closeness with my fellow Vaisnavas as we work toward a common goal, a REAL relationship with the Lord. I am tired of new people, dressing in their tilaka and brand new beads, looking at me like I just arrived, when I have been here for 30 freaking years! In six months they are gone, and a new set of baby devotees look down their noses at me, because they are in the thrill of the new thing they have found, and high on the newness of it. Six moths later they are gone too, I want continuity, I want to go where everyone knows my name, lol. I want to feel GOD IN MY TEMPLE! I am not getting this at my temple anymore. I am aching for this. I have been trying to go to the morning program on my days off, but it is mostly for my kids, who miss their school more than anything else. I know I have to do whatever I can to get them back in for them, but it is really hard for me to work toward this when I feel so removed from the temple myself. Help me Lord Krishna, I am crying out to you for relief in my heart! Please help me become a good devotee, a faithful mother and wife and pure in heart!
I want things back to the old ways. I want to go into the temple in a sari with my head covered and see all the other women and girls like that, not with their saris slung below their hip bones, and desperately trying to keep them on while dancing. I want to see devotees looking like devotees, I am a major offender of this myself, but at least I do not wear bra showing tank tops , belly shirts and tight pants. I want to go to a class where people do not get pissy when your child asks a question, umm, yes, they are devotees too and trying to learn just as much as you are! I am tired of being dollared to death, pay for Sunday School, pay for this , pay for that. I will pay what I can when I can. I am tired of my requests for service being ignored. I want to do something DAMMIT! I want to get up in the morning and spend my day craving Kalachandji's beautiful face like I used to, thinking about how I can schedule an unexpected visit to HIM. Instead, I find myself wanting to go to the Hindu temple and sit in front of Lord Shiva, who I feel is really understanding me these days. But I dont want to be a Hindu, I want to be a Hare Krishna! I want to go out on Harinama, distribute books and relish closeness with my fellow Vaisnavas as we work toward a common goal, a REAL relationship with the Lord. I am tired of new people, dressing in their tilaka and brand new beads, looking at me like I just arrived, when I have been here for 30 freaking years! In six months they are gone, and a new set of baby devotees look down their noses at me, because they are in the thrill of the new thing they have found, and high on the newness of it. Six moths later they are gone too, I want continuity, I want to go where everyone knows my name, lol. I want to feel GOD IN MY TEMPLE! I am not getting this at my temple anymore. I am aching for this. I have been trying to go to the morning program on my days off, but it is mostly for my kids, who miss their school more than anything else. I know I have to do whatever I can to get them back in for them, but it is really hard for me to work toward this when I feel so removed from the temple myself. Help me Lord Krishna, I am crying out to you for relief in my heart! Please help me become a good devotee, a faithful mother and wife and pure in heart!
checking this out
I want to know if this is going to post to another blog automatically or do I have to link it myself?
Monday, May 24, 2010
update
I am going to try to update this more now that I have found that I can from work.
Kids are great, they almost finisshed the year at TKG but due to some issues had to leave school at the beginning of April. Time will tell if those issues can be resolved for them to return in August, but I can only say right now that I am very raw over this and have some mixed feelings about even returning to the temple that I have been involved in since I was 14 years old, 30 years ago. The only thing right now even keeping me in touch with the temple is my good friend and sister from another mother Laxmi Pryia. Of course we are eagerly anticipating the appearence of Dharma's baby this summer, too.
Jayadeva is printing well but cannot name most of his letters. I am not sure if special ed in public school will be the next step for him. We had so many issues with the vegetarian thing there when he was in PPCD. I definately know that if the twins dont go back to TKG they will be homeschooled. I also ran into a friend of mine from Kroger whose wife homeschools their kids. It is a Christian based program but she may consider teaching my kids along with hers. I really dont care what religion it is as long as it isnt public school! More later!
Kids are great, they almost finisshed the year at TKG but due to some issues had to leave school at the beginning of April. Time will tell if those issues can be resolved for them to return in August, but I can only say right now that I am very raw over this and have some mixed feelings about even returning to the temple that I have been involved in since I was 14 years old, 30 years ago. The only thing right now even keeping me in touch with the temple is my good friend and sister from another mother Laxmi Pryia. Of course we are eagerly anticipating the appearence of Dharma's baby this summer, too.
Jayadeva is printing well but cannot name most of his letters. I am not sure if special ed in public school will be the next step for him. We had so many issues with the vegetarian thing there when he was in PPCD. I definately know that if the twins dont go back to TKG they will be homeschooled. I also ran into a friend of mine from Kroger whose wife homeschools their kids. It is a Christian based program but she may consider teaching my kids along with hers. I really dont care what religion it is as long as it isnt public school! More later!
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