I am seriously so depressed... I miss my cat so much, it is really affecting the way I live.  I planted a garden, I worked really hard at  it, I did everything from seed...while I would work in the garden my cat would keep me company. I would chat with him and just enjoy his company. He is the only one in a very long time that loved me and didnt expect anything from me but to be loved back. I cant even go into my garden. He is buried right next to it, under the peach tree by Cutter and Quiche... I dont want to face his little grave, I dont want to believe he is gone... I was trying so hard to take joy in the simple things in life.....I was so happy in my garden with my little friend...and now he is gone.....everyone wants something from me, my kids, parents, husband, my temple...always clawing at me to give them all I have and I do....no one appreciates the efforts I make, ...as I write this, sobbing, my kids walk by my room, oblivious to my cries and my pain...Merlin would have been right here, letting me know how much he loved me and never expecting anything more from me than a scratch under his chin or a kiss on the cheek... I feel like I have lost my peace of mind...the two things I had that kept me sane, that calmed my soul and gave me such joy are now gone... I was so proud of my garden, taking pics of it as it progressed, enjoying the calming nature of watching my cat laze under the fig tree, him meowing his responses to the questions I asked him. Was I too attached? Is he gone because I needed to focus my attentions on my family instead? I never put him above my family in the since that he was fed better or sheltered first,  I feel so empty without him and my garden is going to shit...and the pain wont stop..my little friend deserved so much better than for his life to be ended by a irresponsible driver...the fucking street lights were just upgraded, it's like high noon at 10pm, there is no way that they could not have seen him...and yes, I know it was my fault for not keeping him inside, and that is probably why I hurt so bad.. I failed him.. I should have protected him better than I did.  I am so sorry, Merlin... I love you so much

this is a repost from another blog from 8/08


the Parker family was' in sunny Florida, just south of Tampa, while I was trying to take it easy with a broken foot. It had been pretty relaxing here, having been able to make my mom understand the vegetarian thing more,she hadn't had meat since we had been here, so Jai! Life was easy and relaxing here, but the are two things that always make us antsy to go home...we miss Kalachandji and we miss our temple family. Even tho we don't make it to temple every week, we know that it is just down the road.

My kids don't take the separation from Kalachandji very easily. Every day while in Florida we hear, "Can we go see Krishna?" It's almost as if they KNOW that we were not just 20 minutes away from our temple.It's not easy explaining to an almost three year old that the nearest ISKCON temple is 3 hours away and with gas prices the way they are it's not feasible to go. The last time we were here, I found a tiny Hindu temple that had beautiful deities if Lord Krishna, Radha, Rama, Sita and others. Their altar is open and the deities are so close you can touch them. In an attempt to quiet the kids, especially my very vocal daughter, I agreed to take them on Sunday.

Sunday afternoon was the nicest day we had this trip. It was clear and hot, perfect beach weather. I thought about not mentioning the temple to to the kids and hitting the beach, but my little daughter, Padma, spoke up at lunch and said, "Are we going to see Krishna?" I said, "Don't you want to go to the beach?" "No, I wanna see Krishna" I sighed and said, "Ok, later" Padma said, "No mamma, we have to go now before Krishna is nah nee (sleep)" GRRRR.. I told her ok...

My mom came in from her garden and asked my daughter to come pick flowers with her. Padma went out with her gramma and I could hear her little voice asking, "Can I take some flowers to Krishna?" She came back in with a huge armful of marigolds and tiny white flowers, yelling, "Mamma, look what I picked for Krishna!" Ok, I got the message, I was taking her to the temple.

We loaded up the boys into our van and I tried to take her flowers so I could buckle her in the car seat. "No mamma! I am taking the flowers to Krishna!" I tried to reason with her, (yeah, I know, she's almost three) "Let mamma hold the for you so they dont get crushed" "No mamma, I am taking then to Krishna" I didnt want to argue, it was too hot.

Padma fell asleep in the car, her tiny fist in a death grip with those buds, and I could practically see them wilting by the second. By the time we got to the temple they were limp, and I thought, she can't offer those, they are ruined. She woke up as soon as the van engine died, and was ready to go, fresh from her nap, with a bunch of dead flowers. Again, I tried to reason with her (it must have been the heat), "Padma, they are dead, you can't offer dead flowers" I tried to pry them out of her hand and she started to howl, "Nooooooo" I gave up......

We walked into the tiny temple, there were maybe 15 people there, all Indian. They gave us a friendly smile and watched as my little girl laid her dead flowers at Krishna's feet. "There!" she said, "So beautiful!" I was so afraid that we were making offence by offering obviously dead flowers , and I guess it showed on my face. The pujari smiled and pointed to a plaque on the wall, ......" He who offers Me with devotion only a leaf, or a flower, or a fruit, or even a little water, this I accept from that yearning soul, because with a pure heart it was offered with love".......... So there you go..it wasn't the offering itself, it was the devotion in which it was offered. And I couldn't see that because I was too wrapped up in the material illusion of the flowers.
"I am the same to all beings, and My love is ever the same; but those who worship me in devotion, they are in Me and I am in them"
I walked into the tiny temple seeing dead flowers and walked out seeing Krishna in the heart of my daughter.

so, my cat died...he was hit by a car in front of my house...J saw it all go down and for once his Reactive Attachment Disorder and his memory loss worked in his favor, because it didnt affect him at all, where the rest of us were in total anguish over losing our precious Merlin...He left us May 15, and the twins were so torn up they couldnt stop crying, they were choking out Hare Krishna to benefit his little soul..heartbreaking....RIP Merlin, you are so loved
  J was tested for end of kindergarten for the charter school he will be attending with the twins in August...we havnt heard yet, but they are hoping to be able to place him in first grade, with lots of intervention..they are excited to be working with him, which is a refreshing change from the burden he seemd to be at Weaver....my only stipulation is that if he did have to go to kindergarten that he be separated from the twins, they need to be away from him for a while
  Ivy will be continuing her Bharatyanatam dancing in the fall after a sucessful recital April 14, Damien will be joining her so she decided to stay back and repeat the first year training so she can be with him. he just couldnt stand the idea of anyone playing baby Krishna besides him, so we shall see what he does

  Laine was here, I didnt get to spend too much time with him because he had all his friends to visit, but I am hoping we can go to Florida in July...
  We have a visitor coming from Austria in Oct, so we are remodeling the house, I cant wait for her to get here, more on that later
 I am going to try to update this more, but on the first I will be buying a domain name and starting a blog, so I may just have a link here once I get that up and running...until then
RIP Merlin 4/15/10 to 5/15/12

begin again

I am homeschooling the kids now.....things with the gurukula didn't work out.

Rama is a breeze when I can actually get him to work. He picks up stuff in no time, and never seems to have to study, he looks at it and knows it, I handed him the abacus, showed him one time how to use it and within 5 minutes he was telling me math problems!
Padma is, was always, 10 steps being her twin...She likes to work, she enjoys studying but the basics are coming hard for her. She is turning words around, saw for was, d for b, but that is normal for a new writer. I make it a point to work with her more, but then Rama, in his perpetual quest for justice and absolute fairness, says she doesn't deserve the good job sticker because she got "too much help"

Jaiadeva is a willing worker, has excellent penmanship, but cannot tell me what the letters are. He is not grasping math at all. A talk with his psychiatrist has pretty much convinced me that we should try public school with him again, not for the education, which we know he wont get, but to get the special services like speech therapy that could possibly help him.

On another note, I have been baking a lot and will be bringing my recipes for cakes and other things over here. I have been experimenting with new foods and products from India, seasonal fruits and whole, organic foods. Expect lots of pics!!