Good things and bad things, typical of life....my gramma is dying...this is killing me as I have now lost the last year of her life. Another thing to blame Jayden for, but I HAVE to let go of this bitterness and move on. She has very aggressive lung, liver and brain cancer. AT 85 she has lived a good life, even with her struggles with mental illness, she has been a damn good gramma and an inspiration to me. I will miss her horribly when she quits her material body but I know that she is eternal. The funny thing is, I have my Hindu ideas of how things will be when I quit my body... I will reincarnate as my Karma dictates and try this again until I have reached God consciousness. However, when I think of my Catholic gramma leaving her body, I believe she will go to the arms of Jesus and be reunited with my grampi in heavenly glory. I wonder why I am like this? I cant imagine my gramma reincarnating. I just guess I believe that whatever belief the person has is what is true for them. I dont know. This is hard and ugly for me. I just want her to go painlessly and hope she knows how much I love her.
Good things so I can stop crying.... Logan moved into the temple...he so needed to do this. He was really walking a rocky path and I am still not certain our marriage is going to survive this trial. Jayden is still in the hands of the state, where he will remain, and Logan cannot leave until his probation officer gets him a transfer, and he wont leave until Jayden is situated. I cant say that I blame him but that doesnt make it any easier...but having him living at the temple will bring his mindset back to the spiritual and hopefully will have him focus on the things we need to make this family whole again. Padma is going to be taking Bharatyanatam lessons with her friend Seneca at a lovely lady's house in Sarasota on Sundays. I am very excited about this. Rama is going to karate school after school...We went to Janmastami in Alachu, it was nice. We go to a monthly kirtan at a yoga studio run by a really sweet and inspiring lady. I got to drive a 2013 convertible Camaro for 3 days which was the absolute highlight of my year (material I know, but I would give up food before I would give up my passion for Camaros) as usual I promise I will update this blog more, lol

so many changes have happened since my last post. I realized that Jay chased Merlin into the path of the car. We went to Florida in August and stayed a month. While there we adopted two beautiful cats, Amiel and Angel, a mother son duo from the Cat Depot, who rescued them from Caboodle Ranch. The kids started school at Advantage Academy in Sept, Eva came to visit us in Oct and stayed until Nov 9, we gad a great time and went to Six Flags, The National Cemetery, and all over Dallas...Then our lives went to total shit after she left. Jay attacked Rama and in the process of Logan pulling him off bruised his shoulders. Jay went to school the next day and told the teacher his dad hit him. The police and CPS became involved and Logan went to jail. I got the kids and after CPS telling me that I would have to be supervised with my kids because I failed to protect them from Jay, I decided to just leave. I took MY kids and sent Jay to foster care until his dad could get out of jail and deal with him. This may sound harsh but I just couldnt look him in the face anymore without hating him for everything he has done to our family. He has destroyed my home, physically and emotionally...the amount of money I have had to pour into repairing windows, walls, cabinets and anything else he saw fit to demolish, not to mention all my personal belongings he ruined, things I was able to collect and keep for 25 years + he just took it upon himself to tear up. Now it's even worse. My dad took my house back from me and gave it to my little brother, they are remodeling it and will be selling it. I will never forgive them for this. I dont have to forgive, I just have to let them go, and this made it very easy. I have lost almost everything I owned, save for family pictures, a bucketful of clothes and my drums, all in storage now. I havnt seen my husband in 10 months and because of Jay's selfish bitch of a mother, who will not cooperate with the court, it will probably stretch into a year or more before he will be able to join our family again. Jay will not be coming back. Logan wants to allow an adoption to take place with the foster family, who have expressed great interest in keeping Jay permantly . Jay wants to stay, he loves it there and has told Logan he doesnt want to come home. BUt as usual, his piece of shit mother will not look at what is in the best interest of the child, only what she wants...so in the mean time, me and my kids are suffering. I guess this is a purging, I have become to attached to material things, my home, my belongings and community. I know this is a lesson that I need to rely on the Lord and these things I have lost I would not have been able to take them to the next life anyway. Lord Shiva destroys but out of all the destruction comes rebirth...I now have a new job and a new little rent house that we love. I have everything I need and in relying on the Lord to provide me peace of mind, not possessions I feel as if I have grown spiritually. I can honestly say that if I never seen Jay again it will be too soon. I understand that his disabilities were not his fault, but he did know the difference between right from wrong and what he did was down right malicious. I will forever be grateful that he and his mother will be out of my life. I did the best I could for him and that is all I could have done. He was not my mess to clean up, but I tried.  Now I am going to keep trying to grow spiritually and to provide my kids with a safe, healthy environment to grow in. They dont miss Jay at all....apparently he was abusing them physically and emotionally more than we thought. I pretty much put all there fighting and bickering under the heading of sibling strife, but it went much deeper. My kids are talking about it more and are relieved he wont be rejoining our family So sad, but he knew what he was doing..