Good things and bad things, typical of life....my gramma is dying...this is killing me as I have now lost the last year of her life. Another thing to blame Jayden for, but I HAVE to let go of this bitterness and move on. She has very aggressive lung, liver and brain cancer. AT 85 she has lived a good life, even with her struggles with mental illness, she has been a damn good gramma and an inspiration to me. I will miss her horribly when she quits her material body but I know that she is eternal. The funny thing is, I have my Hindu ideas of how things will be when I quit my body... I will reincarnate as my Karma dictates and try this again until I have reached God consciousness. However, when I think of my Catholic gramma leaving her body, I believe she will go to the arms of Jesus and be reunited with my grampi in heavenly glory. I wonder why I am like this? I cant imagine my gramma reincarnating. I just guess I believe that whatever belief the person has is what is true for them. I dont know. This is hard and ugly for me. I just want her to go painlessly and hope she knows how much I love her.
Good things so I can stop crying.... Logan moved into the temple...he so needed to do this. He was really walking a rocky path and I am still not certain our marriage is going to survive this trial. Jayden is still in the hands of the state, where he will remain, and Logan cannot leave until his probation officer gets him a transfer, and he wont leave until Jayden is situated. I cant say that I blame him but that doesnt make it any easier...but having him living at the temple will bring his mindset back to the spiritual and hopefully will have him focus on the things we need to make this family whole again. Padma is going to be taking Bharatyanatam lessons with her friend Seneca at a lovely lady's house in Sarasota on Sundays. I am very excited about this. Rama is going to karate school after school...We went to Janmastami in Alachu, it was nice. We go to a monthly kirtan at a yoga studio run by a really sweet and inspiring lady. I got to drive a 2013 convertible Camaro for 3 days which was the absolute highlight of my year (material I know, but I would give up food before I would give up my passion for Camaros) as usual I promise I will update this blog more, lol

so many changes have happened since my last post. I realized that Jay chased Merlin into the path of the car. We went to Florida in August and stayed a month. While there we adopted two beautiful cats, Amiel and Angel, a mother son duo from the Cat Depot, who rescued them from Caboodle Ranch. The kids started school at Advantage Academy in Sept, Eva came to visit us in Oct and stayed until Nov 9, we gad a great time and went to Six Flags, The National Cemetery, and all over Dallas...Then our lives went to total shit after she left. Jay attacked Rama and in the process of Logan pulling him off bruised his shoulders. Jay went to school the next day and told the teacher his dad hit him. The police and CPS became involved and Logan went to jail. I got the kids and after CPS telling me that I would have to be supervised with my kids because I failed to protect them from Jay, I decided to just leave. I took MY kids and sent Jay to foster care until his dad could get out of jail and deal with him. This may sound harsh but I just couldnt look him in the face anymore without hating him for everything he has done to our family. He has destroyed my home, physically and emotionally...the amount of money I have had to pour into repairing windows, walls, cabinets and anything else he saw fit to demolish, not to mention all my personal belongings he ruined, things I was able to collect and keep for 25 years + he just took it upon himself to tear up. Now it's even worse. My dad took my house back from me and gave it to my little brother, they are remodeling it and will be selling it. I will never forgive them for this. I dont have to forgive, I just have to let them go, and this made it very easy. I have lost almost everything I owned, save for family pictures, a bucketful of clothes and my drums, all in storage now. I havnt seen my husband in 10 months and because of Jay's selfish bitch of a mother, who will not cooperate with the court, it will probably stretch into a year or more before he will be able to join our family again. Jay will not be coming back. Logan wants to allow an adoption to take place with the foster family, who have expressed great interest in keeping Jay permantly . Jay wants to stay, he loves it there and has told Logan he doesnt want to come home. BUt as usual, his piece of shit mother will not look at what is in the best interest of the child, only what she wants...so in the mean time, me and my kids are suffering. I guess this is a purging, I have become to attached to material things, my home, my belongings and community. I know this is a lesson that I need to rely on the Lord and these things I have lost I would not have been able to take them to the next life anyway. Lord Shiva destroys but out of all the destruction comes rebirth...I now have a new job and a new little rent house that we love. I have everything I need and in relying on the Lord to provide me peace of mind, not possessions I feel as if I have grown spiritually. I can honestly say that if I never seen Jay again it will be too soon. I understand that his disabilities were not his fault, but he did know the difference between right from wrong and what he did was down right malicious. I will forever be grateful that he and his mother will be out of my life. I did the best I could for him and that is all I could have done. He was not my mess to clean up, but I tried.  Now I am going to keep trying to grow spiritually and to provide my kids with a safe, healthy environment to grow in. They dont miss Jay at all....apparently he was abusing them physically and emotionally more than we thought. I pretty much put all there fighting and bickering under the heading of sibling strife, but it went much deeper. My kids are talking about it more and are relieved he wont be rejoining our family So sad, but he knew what he was doing..

I am seriously so depressed... I miss my cat so much, it is really affecting the way I live.  I planted a garden, I worked really hard at  it, I did everything from seed...while I would work in the garden my cat would keep me company. I would chat with him and just enjoy his company. He is the only one in a very long time that loved me and didnt expect anything from me but to be loved back. I cant even go into my garden. He is buried right next to it, under the peach tree by Cutter and Quiche... I dont want to face his little grave, I dont want to believe he is gone... I was trying so hard to take joy in the simple things in life.....I was so happy in my garden with my little friend...and now he is gone.....everyone wants something from me, my kids, parents, husband, my temple...always clawing at me to give them all I have and I do....no one appreciates the efforts I make, ...as I write this, sobbing, my kids walk by my room, oblivious to my cries and my pain...Merlin would have been right here, letting me know how much he loved me and never expecting anything more from me than a scratch under his chin or a kiss on the cheek... I feel like I have lost my peace of mind...the two things I had that kept me sane, that calmed my soul and gave me such joy are now gone... I was so proud of my garden, taking pics of it as it progressed, enjoying the calming nature of watching my cat laze under the fig tree, him meowing his responses to the questions I asked him. Was I too attached? Is he gone because I needed to focus my attentions on my family instead? I never put him above my family in the since that he was fed better or sheltered first,  I feel so empty without him and my garden is going to shit...and the pain wont stop..my little friend deserved so much better than for his life to be ended by a irresponsible driver...the fucking street lights were just upgraded, it's like high noon at 10pm, there is no way that they could not have seen him...and yes, I know it was my fault for not keeping him inside, and that is probably why I hurt so bad.. I failed him.. I should have protected him better than I did.  I am so sorry, Merlin... I love you so much

this is a repost from another blog from 8/08


the Parker family was' in sunny Florida, just south of Tampa, while I was trying to take it easy with a broken foot. It had been pretty relaxing here, having been able to make my mom understand the vegetarian thing more,she hadn't had meat since we had been here, so Jai! Life was easy and relaxing here, but the are two things that always make us antsy to go home...we miss Kalachandji and we miss our temple family. Even tho we don't make it to temple every week, we know that it is just down the road.

My kids don't take the separation from Kalachandji very easily. Every day while in Florida we hear, "Can we go see Krishna?" It's almost as if they KNOW that we were not just 20 minutes away from our temple.It's not easy explaining to an almost three year old that the nearest ISKCON temple is 3 hours away and with gas prices the way they are it's not feasible to go. The last time we were here, I found a tiny Hindu temple that had beautiful deities if Lord Krishna, Radha, Rama, Sita and others. Their altar is open and the deities are so close you can touch them. In an attempt to quiet the kids, especially my very vocal daughter, I agreed to take them on Sunday.

Sunday afternoon was the nicest day we had this trip. It was clear and hot, perfect beach weather. I thought about not mentioning the temple to to the kids and hitting the beach, but my little daughter, Padma, spoke up at lunch and said, "Are we going to see Krishna?" I said, "Don't you want to go to the beach?" "No, I wanna see Krishna" I sighed and said, "Ok, later" Padma said, "No mamma, we have to go now before Krishna is nah nee (sleep)" GRRRR.. I told her ok...

My mom came in from her garden and asked my daughter to come pick flowers with her. Padma went out with her gramma and I could hear her little voice asking, "Can I take some flowers to Krishna?" She came back in with a huge armful of marigolds and tiny white flowers, yelling, "Mamma, look what I picked for Krishna!" Ok, I got the message, I was taking her to the temple.

We loaded up the boys into our van and I tried to take her flowers so I could buckle her in the car seat. "No mamma! I am taking the flowers to Krishna!" I tried to reason with her, (yeah, I know, she's almost three) "Let mamma hold the for you so they dont get crushed" "No mamma, I am taking then to Krishna" I didnt want to argue, it was too hot.

Padma fell asleep in the car, her tiny fist in a death grip with those buds, and I could practically see them wilting by the second. By the time we got to the temple they were limp, and I thought, she can't offer those, they are ruined. She woke up as soon as the van engine died, and was ready to go, fresh from her nap, with a bunch of dead flowers. Again, I tried to reason with her (it must have been the heat), "Padma, they are dead, you can't offer dead flowers" I tried to pry them out of her hand and she started to howl, "Nooooooo" I gave up......

We walked into the tiny temple, there were maybe 15 people there, all Indian. They gave us a friendly smile and watched as my little girl laid her dead flowers at Krishna's feet. "There!" she said, "So beautiful!" I was so afraid that we were making offence by offering obviously dead flowers , and I guess it showed on my face. The pujari smiled and pointed to a plaque on the wall, ......" He who offers Me with devotion only a leaf, or a flower, or a fruit, or even a little water, this I accept from that yearning soul, because with a pure heart it was offered with love".......... So there you go..it wasn't the offering itself, it was the devotion in which it was offered. And I couldn't see that because I was too wrapped up in the material illusion of the flowers.
"I am the same to all beings, and My love is ever the same; but those who worship me in devotion, they are in Me and I am in them"
I walked into the tiny temple seeing dead flowers and walked out seeing Krishna in the heart of my daughter.

so, my cat died...he was hit by a car in front of my house...J saw it all go down and for once his Reactive Attachment Disorder and his memory loss worked in his favor, because it didnt affect him at all, where the rest of us were in total anguish over losing our precious Merlin...He left us May 15, and the twins were so torn up they couldnt stop crying, they were choking out Hare Krishna to benefit his little soul..heartbreaking....RIP Merlin, you are so loved
  J was tested for end of kindergarten for the charter school he will be attending with the twins in August...we havnt heard yet, but they are hoping to be able to place him in first grade, with lots of intervention..they are excited to be working with him, which is a refreshing change from the burden he seemd to be at Weaver....my only stipulation is that if he did have to go to kindergarten that he be separated from the twins, they need to be away from him for a while
  Ivy will be continuing her Bharatyanatam dancing in the fall after a sucessful recital April 14, Damien will be joining her so she decided to stay back and repeat the first year training so she can be with him. he just couldnt stand the idea of anyone playing baby Krishna besides him, so we shall see what he does

  Laine was here, I didnt get to spend too much time with him because he had all his friends to visit, but I am hoping we can go to Florida in July...
  We have a visitor coming from Austria in Oct, so we are remodeling the house, I cant wait for her to get here, more on that later
 I am going to try to update this more, but on the first I will be buying a domain name and starting a blog, so I may just have a link here once I get that up and running...until then
RIP Merlin 4/15/10 to 5/15/12

begin again

I am homeschooling the kids now.....things with the gurukula didn't work out.

Rama is a breeze when I can actually get him to work. He picks up stuff in no time, and never seems to have to study, he looks at it and knows it, I handed him the abacus, showed him one time how to use it and within 5 minutes he was telling me math problems!
Padma is, was always, 10 steps being her twin...She likes to work, she enjoys studying but the basics are coming hard for her. She is turning words around, saw for was, d for b, but that is normal for a new writer. I make it a point to work with her more, but then Rama, in his perpetual quest for justice and absolute fairness, says she doesn't deserve the good job sticker because she got "too much help"

Jaiadeva is a willing worker, has excellent penmanship, but cannot tell me what the letters are. He is not grasping math at all. A talk with his psychiatrist has pretty much convinced me that we should try public school with him again, not for the education, which we know he wont get, but to get the special services like speech therapy that could possibly help him.

On another note, I have been baking a lot and will be bringing my recipes for cakes and other things over here. I have been experimenting with new foods and products from India, seasonal fruits and whole, organic foods. Expect lots of pics!!

are you there God?

I am looking for a new house of worship. I do not like my temple anymore. I do not like the people or the atmosphere. This sucks since I have been going there for 30 years this month. I am saddened that my community failed me when I needed them most. I can go into my closet and worship if I want to, I go to my temple to associate with devotees that have their minds on the same goal as I do, but I cant find any devotees like that at my temple anymore. Everyone is into money...money for this , money for that, you dont have any money?? then you cant take advantage of our association or programs we offer. Doesnt this directly void what Prabhupada was telling us about materialism? I mean I know the temple has bills, but you cannot tell me that 3 kids in school is really going to raise the electric bill. Isnt the fact that there are 3 little minds that need to be developed as devotees more inportant? Dont you know I would pay if I could? But my kids have to suffer because I ran into bad luck with my car, and then my husband almost died. Only one person from the temple even bothered to check on us.... I went to the Salvation Army church, the kids loved it, I was not so impressed, I do not like it when a minister yells, especially when there were only 13 of us in the room. I am going to go back to my roots this coming weekend and go back to the Greek Orthodox church and see if now that the creepiest Father Nick is gone if things are better there. At least I have some people waiting there to welcome me....I just hope God is one of them. I have such a hard time finding the presence of the Lord in these so called houses of worship, I know He isnt at Kalachandji's anymore... He has been chased out by the money grubbers and the false devotees...more to come as I continue my search

ok

kids are good, hubby is good, me?? well, not so sure. I am having a crisis, of not faith but foundation, I still have my to the core belief and trust in God, but no faith and trust left in the place I worship. I fell that God is no longer there. I don't feel Him in the temple room anymore, not even during the wildest and loudest of Kirtanas. I dont feel Him in the people I come in contact with there anymore. All I get is rushed, I don't know, icky feelings when I go to Sunday Feast, like no one cares anymore. The food is tasteless, but fiery hot, the feast is outside in the 100 degree heat and bugs and the worst part? NO FELLOWSHIP!!! Eat and leave, maybe say hi on the way by. If I wanted to deal with impersonalism I would go to a mega Baptist church, lol, not really!
I want things back to the old ways. I want to go into the temple in a sari with my head covered and see all the other women and girls like that, not with their saris slung below their hip bones, and desperately trying to keep them on while dancing. I want to see devotees looking like devotees, I am a major offender of this myself, but at least I do not wear bra showing tank tops , belly shirts and tight pants. I want to go to a class where people do not get pissy when your child asks a question, umm, yes, they are devotees too and trying to learn just as much as you are! I am tired of being dollared to death, pay for Sunday School, pay for this , pay for that. I will pay what I can when I can. I am tired of my requests for service being ignored. I want to do something DAMMIT! I want to get up in the morning and spend my day craving Kalachandji's beautiful face like I used to, thinking about how I can schedule an unexpected visit to HIM. Instead, I find myself wanting to go to the Hindu temple and sit in front of Lord Shiva, who I feel is really understanding me these days. But I dont want to be a Hindu, I want to be a Hare Krishna! I want to go out on Harinama, distribute books and relish closeness with my fellow Vaisnavas as we work toward a common goal, a REAL relationship with the Lord. I am tired of new people, dressing in their tilaka and brand new beads, looking at me like I just arrived, when I have been here for 30 freaking years! In six months they are gone, and a new set of baby devotees look down their noses at me, because they are in the thrill of the new thing they have found, and high on the newness of it. Six moths later they are gone too, I want continuity, I want to go where everyone knows my name, lol. I want to feel GOD IN MY TEMPLE! I am not getting this at my temple anymore. I am aching for this. I have been trying to go to the morning program on my days off, but it is mostly for my kids, who miss their school more than anything else. I know I have to do whatever I can to get them back in for them, but it is really hard for me to work toward this when I feel so removed from the temple myself. Help me Lord Krishna, I am crying out to you for relief in my heart! Please help me become a good devotee, a faithful mother and wife and pure in heart!

checking this out

I want to know if this is going to post to another blog automatically or do I have to link it myself?