I am seriously so depressed... I miss my cat so much, it is really affecting the way I live.  I planted a garden, I worked really hard at  it, I did everything from seed...while I would work in the garden my cat would keep me company. I would chat with him and just enjoy his company. He is the only one in a very long time that loved me and didnt expect anything from me but to be loved back. I cant even go into my garden. He is buried right next to it, under the peach tree by Cutter and Quiche... I dont want to face his little grave, I dont want to believe he is gone... I was trying so hard to take joy in the simple things in life.....I was so happy in my garden with my little friend...and now he is gone.....everyone wants something from me, my kids, parents, husband, my temple...always clawing at me to give them all I have and I do....no one appreciates the efforts I make, ...as I write this, sobbing, my kids walk by my room, oblivious to my cries and my pain...Merlin would have been right here, letting me know how much he loved me and never expecting anything more from me than a scratch under his chin or a kiss on the cheek... I feel like I have lost my peace of mind...the two things I had that kept me sane, that calmed my soul and gave me such joy are now gone... I was so proud of my garden, taking pics of it as it progressed, enjoying the calming nature of watching my cat laze under the fig tree, him meowing his responses to the questions I asked him. Was I too attached? Is he gone because I needed to focus my attentions on my family instead? I never put him above my family in the since that he was fed better or sheltered first,  I feel so empty without him and my garden is going to shit...and the pain wont stop..my little friend deserved so much better than for his life to be ended by a irresponsible driver...the fucking street lights were just upgraded, it's like high noon at 10pm, there is no way that they could not have seen him...and yes, I know it was my fault for not keeping him inside, and that is probably why I hurt so bad.. I failed him.. I should have protected him better than I did.  I am so sorry, Merlin... I love you so much

this is a repost from another blog from 8/08


the Parker family was' in sunny Florida, just south of Tampa, while I was trying to take it easy with a broken foot. It had been pretty relaxing here, having been able to make my mom understand the vegetarian thing more,she hadn't had meat since we had been here, so Jai! Life was easy and relaxing here, but the are two things that always make us antsy to go home...we miss Kalachandji and we miss our temple family. Even tho we don't make it to temple every week, we know that it is just down the road.

My kids don't take the separation from Kalachandji very easily. Every day while in Florida we hear, "Can we go see Krishna?" It's almost as if they KNOW that we were not just 20 minutes away from our temple.It's not easy explaining to an almost three year old that the nearest ISKCON temple is 3 hours away and with gas prices the way they are it's not feasible to go. The last time we were here, I found a tiny Hindu temple that had beautiful deities if Lord Krishna, Radha, Rama, Sita and others. Their altar is open and the deities are so close you can touch them. In an attempt to quiet the kids, especially my very vocal daughter, I agreed to take them on Sunday.

Sunday afternoon was the nicest day we had this trip. It was clear and hot, perfect beach weather. I thought about not mentioning the temple to to the kids and hitting the beach, but my little daughter, Padma, spoke up at lunch and said, "Are we going to see Krishna?" I said, "Don't you want to go to the beach?" "No, I wanna see Krishna" I sighed and said, "Ok, later" Padma said, "No mamma, we have to go now before Krishna is nah nee (sleep)" GRRRR.. I told her ok...

My mom came in from her garden and asked my daughter to come pick flowers with her. Padma went out with her gramma and I could hear her little voice asking, "Can I take some flowers to Krishna?" She came back in with a huge armful of marigolds and tiny white flowers, yelling, "Mamma, look what I picked for Krishna!" Ok, I got the message, I was taking her to the temple.

We loaded up the boys into our van and I tried to take her flowers so I could buckle her in the car seat. "No mamma! I am taking the flowers to Krishna!" I tried to reason with her, (yeah, I know, she's almost three) "Let mamma hold the for you so they dont get crushed" "No mamma, I am taking then to Krishna" I didnt want to argue, it was too hot.

Padma fell asleep in the car, her tiny fist in a death grip with those buds, and I could practically see them wilting by the second. By the time we got to the temple they were limp, and I thought, she can't offer those, they are ruined. She woke up as soon as the van engine died, and was ready to go, fresh from her nap, with a bunch of dead flowers. Again, I tried to reason with her (it must have been the heat), "Padma, they are dead, you can't offer dead flowers" I tried to pry them out of her hand and she started to howl, "Nooooooo" I gave up......

We walked into the tiny temple, there were maybe 15 people there, all Indian. They gave us a friendly smile and watched as my little girl laid her dead flowers at Krishna's feet. "There!" she said, "So beautiful!" I was so afraid that we were making offence by offering obviously dead flowers , and I guess it showed on my face. The pujari smiled and pointed to a plaque on the wall, ......" He who offers Me with devotion only a leaf, or a flower, or a fruit, or even a little water, this I accept from that yearning soul, because with a pure heart it was offered with love".......... So there you go..it wasn't the offering itself, it was the devotion in which it was offered. And I couldn't see that because I was too wrapped up in the material illusion of the flowers.
"I am the same to all beings, and My love is ever the same; but those who worship me in devotion, they are in Me and I am in them"
I walked into the tiny temple seeing dead flowers and walked out seeing Krishna in the heart of my daughter.

so, my cat died...he was hit by a car in front of my house...J saw it all go down and for once his Reactive Attachment Disorder and his memory loss worked in his favor, because it didnt affect him at all, where the rest of us were in total anguish over losing our precious Merlin...He left us May 15, and the twins were so torn up they couldnt stop crying, they were choking out Hare Krishna to benefit his little soul..heartbreaking....RIP Merlin, you are so loved
  J was tested for end of kindergarten for the charter school he will be attending with the twins in August...we havnt heard yet, but they are hoping to be able to place him in first grade, with lots of intervention..they are excited to be working with him, which is a refreshing change from the burden he seemd to be at Weaver....my only stipulation is that if he did have to go to kindergarten that he be separated from the twins, they need to be away from him for a while
  Ivy will be continuing her Bharatyanatam dancing in the fall after a sucessful recital April 14, Damien will be joining her so she decided to stay back and repeat the first year training so she can be with him. he just couldnt stand the idea of anyone playing baby Krishna besides him, so we shall see what he does

  Laine was here, I didnt get to spend too much time with him because he had all his friends to visit, but I am hoping we can go to Florida in July...
  We have a visitor coming from Austria in Oct, so we are remodeling the house, I cant wait for her to get here, more on that later
 I am going to try to update this more, but on the first I will be buying a domain name and starting a blog, so I may just have a link here once I get that up and running...until then
RIP Merlin 4/15/10 to 5/15/12

begin again

I am homeschooling the kids now.....things with the gurukula didn't work out.

Rama is a breeze when I can actually get him to work. He picks up stuff in no time, and never seems to have to study, he looks at it and knows it, I handed him the abacus, showed him one time how to use it and within 5 minutes he was telling me math problems!
Padma is, was always, 10 steps being her twin...She likes to work, she enjoys studying but the basics are coming hard for her. She is turning words around, saw for was, d for b, but that is normal for a new writer. I make it a point to work with her more, but then Rama, in his perpetual quest for justice and absolute fairness, says she doesn't deserve the good job sticker because she got "too much help"

Jaiadeva is a willing worker, has excellent penmanship, but cannot tell me what the letters are. He is not grasping math at all. A talk with his psychiatrist has pretty much convinced me that we should try public school with him again, not for the education, which we know he wont get, but to get the special services like speech therapy that could possibly help him.

On another note, I have been baking a lot and will be bringing my recipes for cakes and other things over here. I have been experimenting with new foods and products from India, seasonal fruits and whole, organic foods. Expect lots of pics!!

are you there God?

I am looking for a new house of worship. I do not like my temple anymore. I do not like the people or the atmosphere. This sucks since I have been going there for 30 years this month. I am saddened that my community failed me when I needed them most. I can go into my closet and worship if I want to, I go to my temple to associate with devotees that have their minds on the same goal as I do, but I cant find any devotees like that at my temple anymore. Everyone is into money...money for this , money for that, you dont have any money?? then you cant take advantage of our association or programs we offer. Doesnt this directly void what Prabhupada was telling us about materialism? I mean I know the temple has bills, but you cannot tell me that 3 kids in school is really going to raise the electric bill. Isnt the fact that there are 3 little minds that need to be developed as devotees more inportant? Dont you know I would pay if I could? But my kids have to suffer because I ran into bad luck with my car, and then my husband almost died. Only one person from the temple even bothered to check on us.... I went to the Salvation Army church, the kids loved it, I was not so impressed, I do not like it when a minister yells, especially when there were only 13 of us in the room. I am going to go back to my roots this coming weekend and go back to the Greek Orthodox church and see if now that the creepiest Father Nick is gone if things are better there. At least I have some people waiting there to welcome me....I just hope God is one of them. I have such a hard time finding the presence of the Lord in these so called houses of worship, I know He isnt at Kalachandji's anymore... He has been chased out by the money grubbers and the false devotees...more to come as I continue my search

ok

kids are good, hubby is good, me?? well, not so sure. I am having a crisis, of not faith but foundation, I still have my to the core belief and trust in God, but no faith and trust left in the place I worship. I fell that God is no longer there. I don't feel Him in the temple room anymore, not even during the wildest and loudest of Kirtanas. I dont feel Him in the people I come in contact with there anymore. All I get is rushed, I don't know, icky feelings when I go to Sunday Feast, like no one cares anymore. The food is tasteless, but fiery hot, the feast is outside in the 100 degree heat and bugs and the worst part? NO FELLOWSHIP!!! Eat and leave, maybe say hi on the way by. If I wanted to deal with impersonalism I would go to a mega Baptist church, lol, not really!
I want things back to the old ways. I want to go into the temple in a sari with my head covered and see all the other women and girls like that, not with their saris slung below their hip bones, and desperately trying to keep them on while dancing. I want to see devotees looking like devotees, I am a major offender of this myself, but at least I do not wear bra showing tank tops , belly shirts and tight pants. I want to go to a class where people do not get pissy when your child asks a question, umm, yes, they are devotees too and trying to learn just as much as you are! I am tired of being dollared to death, pay for Sunday School, pay for this , pay for that. I will pay what I can when I can. I am tired of my requests for service being ignored. I want to do something DAMMIT! I want to get up in the morning and spend my day craving Kalachandji's beautiful face like I used to, thinking about how I can schedule an unexpected visit to HIM. Instead, I find myself wanting to go to the Hindu temple and sit in front of Lord Shiva, who I feel is really understanding me these days. But I dont want to be a Hindu, I want to be a Hare Krishna! I want to go out on Harinama, distribute books and relish closeness with my fellow Vaisnavas as we work toward a common goal, a REAL relationship with the Lord. I am tired of new people, dressing in their tilaka and brand new beads, looking at me like I just arrived, when I have been here for 30 freaking years! In six months they are gone, and a new set of baby devotees look down their noses at me, because they are in the thrill of the new thing they have found, and high on the newness of it. Six moths later they are gone too, I want continuity, I want to go where everyone knows my name, lol. I want to feel GOD IN MY TEMPLE! I am not getting this at my temple anymore. I am aching for this. I have been trying to go to the morning program on my days off, but it is mostly for my kids, who miss their school more than anything else. I know I have to do whatever I can to get them back in for them, but it is really hard for me to work toward this when I feel so removed from the temple myself. Help me Lord Krishna, I am crying out to you for relief in my heart! Please help me become a good devotee, a faithful mother and wife and pure in heart!

checking this out

I want to know if this is going to post to another blog automatically or do I have to link it myself?

update

I am going to try to update this more now that I have found that I can from work.
Kids are great, they almost finisshed the year at TKG but due to some issues had to leave school at the beginning of April. Time will tell if those issues can be resolved for them to return in August, but I can only say right now that I am very raw over this and have some mixed feelings about even returning to the temple that I have been involved in since I was 14 years old, 30 years ago. The only thing right now even keeping me in touch with the temple is my good friend and sister from another mother Laxmi Pryia. Of course we are eagerly anticipating the appearence of Dharma's baby this summer, too.
Jayadeva is printing well but cannot name most of his letters. I am not sure if special ed in public school will be the next step for him. We had so many issues with the vegetarian thing there when he was in PPCD. I definately know that if the twins dont go back to TKG they will be homeschooled. I also ran into a friend of mine from Kroger whose wife homeschools their kids. It is a Christian based program but she may consider teaching my kids along with hers. I really dont care what religion it is as long as it isnt public school! More later!

1st day of gurukula!

The kids had a blast but were very worn out by the time they got home...they both had massive meltdowns, lol...the two ladies in the pics are the teachers...glad it is a short week, Janmastami is Thursday and they get their first school break! They will be getting uniforms soon, kurta and yogi pants for boys and salwar for girls, I cant wait!

pics from Raksha Bhandan

the boys with their rakhis and the girls with thier bngles that their brothers gave them, two sets of twins a year apart, mine are the shorter ones!

the twins start gurukula in the morning!!!

I m so freaking out!!! MY BABIES....I will never have babies again......my last babies are now kindergarteners! I will post pics tomorrow...

the twins start gurukula in the morning!!!

I m so freaking out!!! MY BABIES....I will never have babies again......my last babies are now kindergarteners! I will post pics tomorrow...

Raksha Bandhan is tomorrow (8/5) who here celebrates and how?

I encourage my twins to celebrate this......Padma will buy Rama a thread bracelet tomorrow at the Indian store, he will wear it until it falls off, lol...I love the way it encourages my daughter to appreciate her brother

gurukula, here they come!!

wow, my babies are starting school in August... I cant believe it.......I will post more tomorrow, gotta hit the bed............

vtech computer toys, safety issue, please read!!!

I just got off a 45 minute phone call with them because my 3yr old twins and 5yr old have removed the battery covers from all their computers and lost them, they want me to pay $5 each shipping and handling for the covers that did not have screw protectors in them!!! When I asked them why they did not have screw protectors on the battery covers they said that they pass the minimum requirements...and I told them I was no longer going to purchase from a company that put my kids safety at the bare minimum, when this problem could be solved by a tiny screw that wouldnt even cost a penny!!!! They said they only have to put screw protectors in infant toys...excuse me, but my 3yr olds STILL put stuff in their mouths and could choke or worse, so Vtech is no longer on my list of toys to purchase and I hope anyone that reads this will send them an email demanding more than the MINIMUM care in safety for our toddlers and up!

ok, so we had a meeting last night about the gurukula......and I walked out after about an hour or so, with my unruly daughter because I felt as though I crashed the meeting by bringing my child...of course, I was under the impression that the children were what the meeting was all about.Since I was not really noticed except by the sweet mataji that felt the need to continually shush my child for making noise with crayons, I have a few points I would like to bring up here...We desperately need a PreSchool and we need to include ALL of our children. ALL OF THEM...there should not be a choice in whether we should send them to the Montossori school, or the public school down the street because it is more convienent...we are raising DEVOTEE children and they should be in a KRISHNA CONSCIOUS school...period...if you are not sending them to gurukula, then you are not raising devotee kids. Srila Prabhupada opened this school in Dallas for our kids to get an education not only in ABC's and 123's but in our belief system, so that when these kids grow up and move out into a vicious material world they will be PREPARED to meet any and all obstacles with the FAITH and DEVOTION that was instilled in them in the gurukula...and this needs to start in PreSchool and Kindergarten, not in the 3rd grade when they have learned all kinds of nonsense from outside sources....yeah, I know my kid will grow up knowing others eat meat, but I dont want them sitting next to someone at school who is eating it and learn about it from exposure. I quote Srila Prabhupada...

."From the very beginning they should be trained up. From the body, they should be trained up how to take bath, how to chant Hare Krsna or some Vedic mantra, go to the temple, offer obeisances, prayer, then take their lunch... In this way, they should be always engaged. Then they'll be trained up. Simple thing.If children are allowed to play just like Krishna was playing with his cowherd boyfriends, then little ABC, then see the deity and have arati, then take little prasadam; in this way if they are always diversified, they will be always jolly and become fixed-up devotees at young age. And small children, they learn better these things from their mother and women in general. So I thing that some mothers of our children should go to Dallas and take charge of teaching the children, especially how to play nicely the pastimes of young Krishna. If you ask one child to be a tree, he will immediately hold out his arms "Just see I am a tree." If you ask him to be a cow he will walk on his hands and knees immediately and you can hit him with a stick and say "hut, hut." And if they will not take prasadam you can say "Now you are a cow and you must eat the grass" and immediately they will stand on hands and legs and eat prasadam like cow eating grass. So in this way our children in Dallas school should be trained because I want that a new generation of devotees shall carry on this great mission successfully".


About the concern with other people who would want to send their kids to our school based on academics and might not want them exposed to our religion......ummm...if they dont want their kids around Hare Krishnas then they need to find another school...again I quote...

"We have to concentrate to give them some idea about God--that should be our first business. In art class they should be encouraged to draw pictures of Krsna, Kuruksetra, etc. There are so many subjects for drawing as it is stated in our book Krsna. If they are trained, they will come out nice devotees. It will depend on the process of training."


sorry, but I know a lot of kids that have been enrolled in Catholic school, and even though they are not Catholic, they are still required to wear the uniform and got to Mass and Confession.... if their parents dont want them to do that, then they need to find another school...I think if someone wanted to send their kid to the gurukula based on the academics, then they would not have a problem with the religion, I mean, they had to be open minded enough to find us in the first place, right? Again I quote Srila Prabhupada..


"They will never accept that one must undergo austerities to break the influence of the modes of material nature upon the living entity in order that he may experience the transcendental bliss on the platform of pure goodness. Therefore they see our school as a threat and a cruel punishment to the children. If we were to run our school as it was actually to be run, they would close it down, and factually they will place more and more codes and restrictions as the school develops to water down the process until it becomes unrecognizable and useless."


Which brings me to the inclusion of religion in the school...THIS IS VITAL!!!!!We are a religiously based school...the kids should be required to attend morning program, and have religious instruction throughout the day, not just on Monday but everyday. They need to learn instruction in being a devotee, they need to learn how to chant japa in the early grades, to memorize verses in the Gita in the middle grades, to be able to debate the Bhagavatam in high school...along with academics that we already know the school provides on an exemplary basis. I have no qualms that our gurukula can supply my children with a better education than they can get down the street at the local public school...but if that was all I wanted for them then I would send them there...Bottom line....we all need to get involved with the gurukula, all our children should be attending and it needs to go back to what Srila Prabhupada wanted it to be... I will leave you with this last treat from Srila Prabhupada

" The most important thing however is to see that somehow or other the children are always engaged in some kind of Krsna conscious activity, then they will naturally develop a taste for it and think it great fun even to work very hard for Krsna's pleasure."

Phanzi Khadi

this is what my friend is looking for, it's made with paneer, not tofu, does anyone have a recipe?

for any of you on cafe mom

could you please go vote for the twins in a showdown?

Damien's link is

http://www.cafemom.com/showdowns/view.php?showdown_id=298634

Ivy's link is

http://www.cafemom.com/showdowns/view.php?showdown_id=298600

Thanks!!!!!

I dont really like blogspot

I find it much harder to use than xanga, or myspace......I only post here because my husband's ex is too stupid to find us here, having said that she will probably subscribe to this blog tomorrow...lol.
Damodara prayers are over now, and I am always feeling empty for a while afterwards...I love the singing of the prayers by the community, and the offering of the ghee wicks to Damodara...the fact my kids could participate on their own this year was especially beautiful...my dear daughter Padma was also helping Gopi Gita play the harmonium...she is my devout one... I have never seen such pure love of Krishna as I have from her...
I am sick today, I woke up with a fever and headaache, and a sore throat... I really dont want to sit here anymore, so I think I will go back to bed...I have a physical appt tomorrow, so hahaha, to the insurance company, I will get to see my dr for only $10 instead of $20

Dwali pics of the kids

Rama Rudra and Padma at the temple

and with their temple friends, Jayadeva is standing in the back